The Wild Parent: Lessons I Learned (as a Therapist) from The Wild Robot on Breaking the Cycle of Trauma
As a therapist, I’ve heard it all. The overwhelmed parents, the burnt-out caregivers, the ones who look at their kids like they're small, emotional hurricanes they just can't quite handle. And trust me, I get it—parenting is hard. It's like trying to juggle flaming swords while riding a unicycle. You want to do right by your kids, but sometimes your own emotional baggage feels like a 500-pound suitcase you’re trying to shove into the trunk of a car that’s already full of life’s messes.
Enter the movie The Wild Robot—a story about a robot named Roz who wakes up stranded on an island, completely clueless about how to live, let alone how to connect with the world around her. And while this might sound like a weird metaphor for parenting, stick with me. (And let me be clear, I didn’t read the book; I just watched the movie, so there’s no highbrow literary analysis here—just good ol’ relatable therapy talk.)
Roz starts out feeling completely lost—unsure of what to do, how to be, or even how to parent (if we want to make a direct connection). She’s in survival mode, and everything is about just getting by. Sounds pretty familiar, right? How many times have you, as a parent, felt like you had no idea what you were doing, barely managing to keep it together while your kid throws a tantrum over something that feels, at that moment, like the end of the world? Yeah, we've all been there. Stay with me.
Parenting in the Gray instead of the Black-and-White.
Here’s the thing: when you’ve lived through your own trauma, it’s easy to get stuck in a black-and-white mindset when it comes to parenting. You know the “right” way things should be (because you’ve been taught that by your own upbringing or experiences), and then there’s the “wrong” way, which is anything that looks like chaos, noise, or emotions you don’t know how to handle. (Spoiler: parenting is mostly chaos, noise, and emotions you don’t know how to handle.)
Here’s where we can really get into the nitty-gritty of how trauma affects us. As parents, we sometimes do the same thing Roz does—try to control and manage situations by sticking to what we know, which often comes from our own wounds or past experiences. It’s like we’re trying to parent with a survival manual written for a completely different species. When faced with stressful or emotionally charged situations (like a tantrum in the middle of Walmart or your child giving you sass in front of the entire family during the holiday dinner), our body’s trauma responses often take over. You know, those handy little reactions that are part of the fight-flight-freeze system? Well, they don’t just stay in the background—they can show up loud and clear in our parenting.
Let’s break down how each of these responses might show up:
Fight: This is the “I’m going to fix this right now, and I’m going to do it my way” response. You might get snappy, raise your voice, or try to control the situation by being firm to the point of overbearing. You feel like you need to “win” this emotional battle with your child—especially when their outbursts make you feel helpless or out of control. Think of the parent who yells, “Stop crying! You’re fine!”—and while they might mean well, they’re just trying to get through the moment without breaking down themselves. The fight response is all about shutting things down fast.
Flight: This one is the “I can’t handle this, I need to get out of here” reaction. Maybe you retreat emotionally or physically. You might tell your kid to go to their room while you go into your own and shut the door. Or you might distract yourself by scrolling on your phone to escape the emotional intensity of the moment. You know the emotional chaos is too much to deal with, so you pull back as a way to protect yourself. While it’s not ideal, flight is your way of avoiding the overwhelming feelings in the moment.
Freeze: This is the “I’m so paralyzed I can’t even move” response. When a tantrum or emotional outburst hits, you might literally freeze—unsure of how to respond. Your body feels foggy, and your brain just shuts down. This might look like a long pause or a blank stare as you try to process the emotional tidal wave in front of you.
I’ll let you in on a little therapist secret: kids are emotional. And guess what? That’s perfectly normal! But for a lot of parents, those emotions feel like a wild animal that might bite you if you get too close. (I’m talking to those parents in the throes of the Three-nados.) Roz starts out as a robot who is programmed to be all logic—no room for messy feelings, thank you very much. But what she learns (slowly, and with a few missteps) is that logic isn’t enough. You need to connect. You need to understand. You need to feel. And that’s when things start to shift, because here is the thing- emotions are just information. They tell us what’s going on beneath the surface. You can’t fix your kid’s emotions, but you can support them through it. So next time your kid is crying because their favorite toy broke or they’re mad because the broccoli is touching the mashed potatoes, instead of getting caught up in the chaos, try this: Take a deep breath, remember that their feelings are valid (even if you’re silently wondering why the broccoli matters this much all of a sudden), and let them feel.
Breaking the Cycle of Trauma (Without Breaking Your Sanity)
Now, here’s where things get real: Breaking the cycle of trauma is hard. It's messy, uncomfortable, and feels like you're walking through a swamp in flip-flops. But just like Roz had to reprogram herself to be a more emotionally aware, we as parents have to unlearn some of the emotional survival tactics we grew up with.
Here’s how to start:
Recognize Your Own Emotions: You can’t deal with your kid’s feelings until you deal with your own. Are you triggered when your kid throws a fit? That’s okay—take a breath, and ask yourself, “What’s really going on with me?” Sometimes our kids’ emotional outbursts are mirrors of our own discomfort.
Embrace Empathy (Even When It’s Hard): When your kid is spiraling, your first instinct might be to shut it down. But instead, try joining them in their emotional world. Ask yourself, “What would it be like to be them right now?” You don’t have to fix it, just feel it with them.
Be Willing to Learn and Adapt: Just like Roz learned new things about the animals on the island, we have to be open to learning about our kids' emotional needs. And trust me, they change as fast as their favorite song changes. What works one day might not work the next. Be flexible!
Give Yourself Some Grace: Guess what? You won’t get it right every time. And that’s totally fine. You are going to make mistakes. The goal is progress, NOT perfection. Don’t beat yourself up—just try again tomorrow.
Parenting, like The Wild Robot, is a journey of growth, emotional discovery, and learning how to show up for others—even when you feel like you’re winging it. It’s messy, it’s imperfect, and it’s not always easy. But if Roz can figure out how to emotionally connect with a bunch of wild animals (who, I might add, have a lot less patience than my 6-year-old), we can figure out how to connect with our kids and break the cycles of trauma we may have inherited.
So, let’s stop trying to survive parenting and start living it. Let’s get curious about our kids’ emotions, be kind to ourselves in the process, and remember: Growth is messy, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it.
